When my head is clear:

I am afraid for some reason, of sitting still. Of time passing in general. Unless it's in a blur, an unconscious passing of time. Like 12 hours of sleeping. Because then it is just passing and I'm not aware of it, I can't be blamed for it because I am unconscious during it, it's not my fault, wasting that time.

I need to figure out how to be okay with time passing. I know that sounds weird. But it's like I overvalue time to the point that I waste it. Because I'm too afraid of spending it on any one thing. Even a thing that I enjoy or think is valuable, like drawing or of all things; writing! I'm too afraid to make any commitment of TIME. What is going on with that?? Can I commit the time to take an art class, to write a story, a not-great story? Can I commit to painting the apartment for a weekend, writing my thank you cards for a week???! I waste too much time, unconsciously avoiding its passing.