toast and tartans

When my head is clear:

2008-03-18T09:40:00.002-04:00

I am afraid for some reason, of sitting still. Of time passing in general. Unless it's in a blur, an unconscious passing of time. Like 12 hours of sleeping. Because then it is just passing and I'm not aware of it, I can't be blamed for it because I am unconscious during it, it's not my fault, wasting that time.

I need to figure out how to be okay with time passing. I know that sounds weird. But it's like I overvalue time to the point that I waste it. Because I'm too afraid of spending it on any one thing. Even a thing that I enjoy or think is valuable, like drawing or of all things; writing! I'm too afraid to make any commitment of TIME. What is going on with that?? Can I commit the time to take an art class, to write a story, a not-great story? Can I commit to painting the apartment for a weekend, writing my thank you cards for a week???! I waste too much time, unconsciously avoiding its passing.

She's an anomaly.

2008-03-11T15:46:00.002-04:00

André has me listening non-stop to the Fiery Furnaces now. It's not his fault for the constantly, that's me, but he did introduce them to me, that's him. I really like they're.... I don't know how to describe it, but dance-y keyboardness, they remind me a lot of Owen Ashworth actually, CFTPA.

I like that her name is Eleanor, I think that is an excellent old-school name.

Yesterday we filled our fridge I think for the first time, buying tons of produce. I've been looking at Epicurious.com for some recipes lately. I am going to broil some grapefruit tonight. Also, this has been a week for baking muffins, I've only baked them two nights in row now, so maybe this is premature boasting, but I fully intend on going for three.

I don't know why I made this paltry update, except that I am trying to update a tiny bit more frequently, and hopefully baby-step posts like this will lead to future fantastical writings. Maybe.

I wish for this:

2008-03-04T10:00:00.002-05:00

Absolutely amazing little off-the-grid house!

http://www.simondale.net/house/index.htm

SHALLOW

2008-02-27T16:41:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, anticipating chopping all of my locks off. I was sitting here, kind of half dreading the day after responses from the building full of people that I work with. I was all "when I was young I loved getting attention for my haircutttting, but now I am so old and mature and that's gone." It's still kind of true, except that almost no one said ANYTHING. One person, the first person that I saw today, had nice comments, but not a soul otherwise. Which is completely fine, I seriously don't need anyone to comment on my hair! Unless, it's one of those "maybe if we ignore it, it will go away" things.

What makes cool?

2008-02-21T14:50:00.000-05:00

One-liners. Favourite quote. Favourite books. Favourite Movie. "I'm into:" One noun. A non-finite verb. I'm into walking. Drinking. Singing. Sinking. SCREAMING.

2D paper doll people, in the style pages. In their blogger profile. On their facebook. Myspace. Personal ads. It's a personal inventory, but impersonal, and accessible for mass consumption. I look through such listings, at first undiscerningly. Reading; she is an artist. He is into playwriting. Sally is in love with love. My brains says, "I can compete with this! I have feelings too. I am interested in things." One or two things, that's all it takes, to make a whole, heart-beating person.

Anonymous: "Click through for what interests me!!!" (Because! I am interesting!! Everything tells me so!!)

Our dollars can make us so, we can buy to make our shelves full. And then we get to take inventory! Between are interests and possessions in a list, there is little blank space. So don't worry about it! That's where the boring: mistakes, insecurities, half-interests, things we struggle with, are hiding. They will get squeezed out by the good stuff, like our love of asian fusion cuisine. Phoebe is into longboarding.

Feb 4th. This morning we wake to:

2008-02-04T12:21:00.001-05:00

No hot water. Not a drop. He keeps me updated, "it's something resembling warm but isn't." I boil the kettle. Sitting in shallow bathtub water, I try to wash my hair. The kittens are watching, fascinated. Ripley scrambles onto the tub ledge, Mowat swats at his tail.

He's bringing me kettles full. This is a team effort, our sole mission is to accomplish clean hair, and for me to get to work on time.

Soon I am clean, but freezing. I have five minutes to warm and seven to dress. He walks me down the stairs to the front door. I am bundled in coat and boots, being kissed goodbye, but wishing we could all stay home today. Beaches family.

Feb. 1

2008-02-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

Things, things, things. There is way too much out there. Bowlfillers? How is that a commodity? How is the something we should spend money on. Money, money, money. If we had all the money in the world, how would we spend it? What would we do then? What would be the point? Travel? Hit every destination possible. GET LOST.

I am too submersed in the Internet, I know. Filing was such sweet reprieve, it felt like. I could always enjoy tedious things, when I got into a rythm.

I newly hate celebrity. It's not new actually, it's just today new. It's just renewed new. Even notoriety, I don't like that either. Praise anonymity. SRSLY.

and then what happens?

2008-01-31T11:39:00.001-05:00

to the receptionist hmmm.

Etsy!

2008-01-30T10:02:00.000-05:00

Lori and I are busy planning away a new project. An Etsy shop we're hoping! Possibly a successful one? I really, really want this to take fruition, and I'm scribbling down ideas here and getting pretty excited.

kitties

2008-01-28T11:35:00.001-05:00

I was walking along the sidewalk today thinking that January has been a month of aquisitions. What a kind of cold way of looking at it, but it has been. (Not that there have been many, many warm things in it too. )

But a lot, lot, lot of it has been taking things from the outside and putting them inside our shoebox apt. our square footage. Even kitties! We went and conquered and picked them up and put them in. At least they are not plastic or paper, they are warm bodies of course, things to love and to be loved by.

But all the other things- I was too happy in showing him my new purchases! Increasing functionality and having things look nice can be very satisfying, I guess. But going to work on Monday to pay for them drives home the reality of the arghhhh consumption cycle.

We build a home. Like with lego. But it's just a box to put our bodies in.... UnleSS we keep in mind the goal of it being our creative space. A place where worthwhile things come from. And of course where our lives are. It's where are hearts are too. That is how the saying goes.

My hope is for many hearts to come in through that place. For us to give and receive freely. Our walls can be screens, with the air and the light all breathing and bleeding in and out to the streets.

Maybe I just need it to be spring before I feel like that can happen. Maybe this is hibernation.

Twenty-one-one's

2008-01-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

I'm reading Surfacing right now, by Margaret Atwood. And I think one of the main reasons I like it so much is that nameless female narrator. I like how it's all in-her-head. And her madness is so intense. She becomes mad, but before that even she is intense, intense, intense. I like how she doesn't know what's normal. Looks to others to learn what it is, forgetting what she knows and following them. And then I like how it turns out that the others were wrong, later. And she has to figure things out for herself.

I can relate.

Really that's the large experience of growing up. We are little and silly, but generally good. Sometimes too we are very, very serious. I can remember being young and sitting at the adult's table, with my chin in my hands and listening very intently to everything that was said.

At that time I was a sponge, for stress especially. Things would strike my heart and paralyze my body, anything that I took to be of consequence. Everything was earthshattering. I didn't ask questions though. I would only watch and observe, incubate fears and try to figure out what normal was. In my head I was a nameless narrator.

Day 1

2008-01-25T12:32:00.001-05:00

I've been inspired a lot lately. Though distracted! But my brain has been gathering bits and pieces here and there, I think maybe saving them up to build something new. We'll see what happens here. The picture isn't clear yet.